Past Positions

I am now settled. I feel calm again, not filled with unknowing and anxiety. A few months ago my life was in limbo. One of my longtime friends and housemate at the time was getting married and moving on. The landlord of the house we stayed at was preparing the house to sell it. My job was in a different town and it was an hour and twenty minute drive every day for me. Money was tight and moving anywhere else seemed impossible without a roommate and a lot more money. My journey to Fort Worth and Swahili was not one I was ready to part with. As I have stated before, I have issues with getting overwhelmed. When overwhelmed I freeze up.

This often makes my issues much worse. I will either wait till the last moment to fix the issue or I will just let it pass and fail to act. This is one of my flaws. So it was my goal not to freeze up, and for the most part I succeeded. I did stop writing though. I stopped most of the creative projects that keep my mind active. So here is what you missed. Most of my mental activities focused on Alonzo. He was starting a new life, so I wanted to enjoy the most of the time I had left with him.

Getting married changes things. You can tell me over and over that it won’t or didn’t — you are wrong. Putting two people’s lives together is hard and not something to be toyed with. So I was happy with Lonzo’s choice to move to my home town Breckenridge. It was a small area where they could spend time truly becoming one. Without the distractions that the city has to offer. Even with the idea of spending as much time with Lonzo as I could, I still had little time. Work to go to, meetings and service to make, and weddings to prepare for. At the same time I was looking for places to live. A process that is shockingly hard.

I love my one on one time with Lonzo. Most of our activities together are spent talking. In the house we lived in that was mostly at night after a week of not seeing each other. Turns would be taken telling of our weeks and the plans for the upcoming weeks. Ideas expressed and advice asked for. That is what true friendship is to me. Two people whose identities can be expressed not by what they do or what activities they share in. But in the conversations they have and the value of said conversations. I’ve had years of delightful conversations with Lonzo. I plan to have many lifetimes of conversations with him.

Things worked out. Lonzo and Demi’s wedding was lovely. I found a place to live and got transferred to a store that is much closer. I do understand why things worked out the way they did. Such a hard concept to grasp: “Do not be anxious over anything…” I wonder how the moon feels about all this. Over the course of human history it has kept its orbit. Once around the earth every twenty-seven days. Every single person who has ever lived has taken a moment to look at the moon, to bask in its gentle glow. Rarely do they look to it as an example. It follows the course set out for it; it does just so. When I look at the moon I think of a lot of things. My goal is to look at it now and see what it is teaching me. That everything will be ok — follow the path set out and stay calm.