Party Adam

I have different modes for different situations. One of my closest friends called one of them ‘Party Adam’. It was a mask I put on when I was in an area with more than six people. Basically I would up my energy level and become a social butterfly. All my conversations were vapid and lasted about four minutes, then I would frantically leave and talk to someone else. The whole time never making a lot of eye contact and continually looking around finding exits. She hated ‘Party Adam’ and once she pointed it out I grew to hate him too. None of the interactions I was having had any merit or value. I guess you would call it small talk, but I knew how to make it seem like I was interested. Then by jumping around to so many people it caused me to think I was popular.

Once she pointed out ‘Party Adam’ you can directly draw a line to where I started to withdraw and avoid parties and gatherings. I was trying to deepen my relationships and avoid uselessness, but that only caused me to avoid my issues. It took a few years for me to understand that ‘Party Adam’ was a coping mechanism. I had severe anxiety and thought it was completely normal to worry and panic all the time. Most of my different modes were coping mechanisms. Avoiding parties or gatherings was not helping my situation but rather allowing me to not grow as a person. I have come to a better understanding of who I am and the difficulty my brain has. I have been able to get rid of these different versions of myself. I am currently more myself than I have ever been.

I wonder if my close friends have noticed. I assume not, because generally they got me, the real me. Now I will try to focus in on a few people at a party or a big gathering. I try to dig deeply into their life and the things that interest them. What experiences they have had and what knowledge they can share with me. I am aware that I am at my max with friends. I just can’t handle many more people than I currently care deeply about. Rather than let that be a reason for not getting to know the deeper side of someone, or be vapid, I use it as a way to learn. If I can just absorb a bit of everyone’s experience it might just make me a more well rounded person. If I’m just now understanding a bit of what makes me, me. If this is twenty five, then what will thirty be? Sixty?

Will forever be long enough to understand who you are? What makes you behave the way you are? Now is the time for me to practice not worrying. Not thinking about time or situations. To be present in my life. I don’t think it’s fully possible, but I’m willing to try. This year is going to be about being present. Not to live in my worried mind.