King Crab

It kind of felt like being trapped in a small box. No matter what you do the heavy pressure is still there. It was a panic attack. Not my first one, but my most memorable one. I was at a convention a few years back. Without going into many details, I was feeling out of place and abandoned. My anxiety over the situation was rising the whole morning. I don’t know exactly what caused it to finally become too much, but all at once, it was. During a panic attack I run. I go as far away from the source of the pressure.

First I knew I had to find Kevin and tell him that I was bolting. I think I wandered the halls of the convention center four or five times. I found him and said “I have to go man, I have to get out of here.” In turn he told me “Running is never a good idea.” It didn’t matter; I was set and ready to go. I cleared the steps to the doors and pushed them open. Only to be hit by a wall of heat and humidity.

It was June in Texas. Normally that just means unstoppable heat. Just as soon as I got a block away it happened. The sky opened and rained on me. It was fitting. I was crying anyway; why shouldn’t the sky join me? I quickly took off my badge so people wouldn’t see me as a witness leaving the convention early crying. I made it five or six blocks. The rain had slowed and now it was just muggy. I was sweating from the heat. I must have looked a terrible mess. Wet in a suit, slightly crying, looking for somewhere to be.

I made it to the Barnes and Noble. Shuffled in to the bathroom and toweled off. Looking slightly less insane, I went to find a seat. I found one next to a homeless person who was asleep. I just wanted to sit, to go over my situation in my head. It only led to more feelings of uneasiness. I knew that Asa was out and about though. I gave him a call. He seemed confused that I was at the book store and not the convention. Nothing ever startles him though.

He simply said that he would come pick me up soon. That we would go do something. After about thirty minutes, he called and had me come outside. The rescue jeep was sitting there. I crawled in and we were off. He didn’t press me about what happened. He just came and got me. “You want some crab?” he said. I have never turned down crab. So that is simply what we did. It was exactly what was needed.

It just so happened that the soccer world cup was on that afternoon too. So for hours we sat and watched the teams play. Later that day I believe I ended up sitting in a tub crying more. So no, the day did not get better. This day has become something to me. Something other than the panic attack. It is a bright and shining reminder that friends matter. That relationships are vital to my sanity. That I have so many people that will be there when I need them. It makes me question myself. Am I doing the best I can for the people around me? I don’t think I am. I need to be more selfless. More willing to give of myself and my time. These are things I will work on.