Static — part ll

In my last post about my mental health I talked about how I felt like I was in static. It’s been a while since then and I have been meaning to write an update, so here it is. Since then I have started to see a doctor once every two months. After evaluation I was found to have major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder. I was started on some SSRIs to try and help with these two conditions. With the first medication I could feel it helping, but it also made me so tired that some days I was sleeping 18+ hours. That was like not being alive anyway, so I talked to my doctor at my next visit.

I was then given Prozac, the poster pill for depression. It takes time to work, changing the chemistry of your brain. I now take three pills every night. I hate the taste of them in my mouth, so I try to down them fast. What is it like? For me it’s like static, but a different kind. I can feel it slow down my thought pattern; it causes me to lose focus more often. It still causes me to sleep more than normal, but I can’t accept that. My only side effects are that I sweat more and yawn more.

So with the depression, before the medication my thought patterns were often dark and negative. They grew at times too, sometimes so heavy that I would think that death was the only escape. These days I still have some negative thoughts, but they are something I can only expect to have a few days a week instead of almost constantly. The thought that death would somehow be an escape seems almost foreign to me. I sometimes miss my fast thinking brain, but I will give it up any day for my more positive outlook on life.

This medication is also to help with my anxiety. To some extent it does; with my slowed thought patterns it’s easier to not spiral into a panic attack. Other than that though, I still experience all the same panics that I always have. I don’t think there is a drug way out of anxiety. I think you have to find your triggers and fight them. So that’s what I’m doing, trying to think less of what could happen and more about being in the moment. Not worrying about who will be at the grocery store and what I would need to say or do.

With all this progress though, there hasn’t been much progress. My doctor has told me it will take time to get back to whatever my “normal” life was. So while I’m feeling better most days, I still hide at my house. It’s been a while since I have done normal things. So I like to pretend I’m a bear coming out of hibernation — got to take it slow. Find some cool berries to eat.

I just hope it doesn’t take too long.

~Tom