On the floor

I will be the first one to tell you that I am a hopeless romantic. I fall in love with at least two women a day. In a second I can see my whole life with them flash by. That’s all though; they keep walking by and I keep my gaze on the horizon. I read books, sing to songs, and watch movies that blaze this idea of love and romance on my mind. Yet single I am. I often ask myself if it’s a choice I make. I want it to be. I want to say I could be settled out with a few kids if I wasn’t trying to be where I am with the choices I’ve made.

Don’t get me wrong, finding a mate is a great thing. I would be overjoyed if I had found one by now. I just have yet to find one that jumps out at me. So this isn’t a dating or marriage bashing post. It’s simply what has been on my mind. Because this singleness isn’t easy mentally. You can tell yourself over and over “I’m not ready. I’m not ready.” It just takes one girl to upend that.

I sleep on the floor. The floor. In a room that I rent for next to nothing. I barely can pay my bills. I have wildly out of control depression. I truly am not ready. My imagination gets in the way of that though. I can see all the good things. All the happy moments. It’s completely skewed towards the overly positive ideas of relationships. I wonder if everyone does this? But are they like me, that they talk sternly to their mind afterwards?

Here is the kicker though. After I write this on the floor, I’m going to eat some cookies and watch whatever I want. I’m going to keep the fan on high. I’m going to fart as much as I please. I will talk out loud to myself as I do. I am free. If I wanted to drive to Montana tomorrow, I could. That is something that I do enjoy. But I worry that this so-called freedom is just an excuse that we come up with to make ourselves not so bummed out.

In summary, I don’t know. I feel like I love where I’m at. Then I see a girl that I’ve loved, or think I could, and that whole perception comes crashing down. At twenty-four I thought I would have this more figured out. No one has anything figured out. We are all just blindly shooting darts at a wall hoping something sticks. So this is to you, Tom: your happiness is only dependent on your mindset. You can be lonely whether you are single or not.

I think I might drive to Montana now.