Fatal Flaws.

I’m in a good head space, so it must be a good time to write about my flaws. It’s been something I have wanted to type out for a while. Not all of them. Just a few. I think that everyone has fatal flaws. Inclinations that if left unchecked or given fuel could lead to death. Sometimes the death is real, like in the case of addicts. Sometimes the death is not physical but mental.

A person can have only one, sometimes many. I have a few. It takes time to see them for what they are. They make you who you are. I don’t think it is possible to hate them. It makes you who you are. I want to write about my depression and anxiety. I do want to note right now that I have not been diagnosed, nor am I offering any medical advice. I’m just sharing what I live through.

My childhood was a happy one. My parents provided everything for me. When I hit my teenage years my emotions flared. Doing what they were supposed to do at that age. But the overage of sadness never went away. People rarely talk about depression, and a lot of people still think it’s something you can just snap out of. So for a long part of my life I just viewed it as something everyone went through.

The anxiety was present at the same time. It can build and grow depending on how much fuel I feed it. I worry, a lot. I view that as a stage before anxiousness. When it consumes me, it causes panic attacks. That is when it cripples me. Many times I’ve been in a group of people and I just disappear to find somewhere to be alone. To calm myself down. It’s not something I let people know about me generally. To have some semblance of normalcy, I guess.

Both feelings are overwhelming. Often seemingly impossible to overcome. Depression feels like you are in a world without color. You can’t call people or text anyone. The idea of doing things makes you feel sick. Sleeping and mind numbing activities are all you want. Most of the time reading was my escape. To forget everything, jump into a fake world, and let my imagination run free.

Anxiety feels like you are in a room with walls that keep getting closer every time you blink. Closer and closer till you can’t move. You keep your eyes open so they won’t move in, but they do. Pressing on your skin. Tighter and tighter. Trapped. Overwhelmed. Big empty spaces and music help me with this. After a while I found that reading poetry helped relax me as well.

Without a doubt my beliefs and faith have saved me. An understanding that this isn’t normal. That I can be fixed. That no one will have to live with it. It lets me keep focus. Keep moving. Stay happy for the most part.

How fatal are these flaws though? Without my coping systems and the truth, I believe they would destroy me. Oftentimes it has hurt my life. The amount of hours that I have hid in my room, slept away sadness, is uncountable. They would have consumed me. I would have not died physically, but mentally.

So I watch them with an intense gaze. I have dear friends that watch as well. We keep each other away from these things. I know for a fact that the things I go through are mild compared to a vast majority of people. I hope no matter your fatal flaw, you find it. Learn it. Find a way to overcome or cope with it. Confide in close loved ones. Keep moving forward. Whatever it is, it can be overcome. Tomorrow is another day. Positivity is your best friend. I believe in you. You can make it. You can make it.

tom.