Deterioration

I am taking this time to explain why I am a failure. This is not necessarily a bad thing. Often you will hear influential people explain that failures make us who we are. Well, in that case, at some point in time I will be super great. Today though, not great. Abysmally bad. This also is not happening all of a sudden. It’s taken years. In fact I don’t even know if I ever was successful. I have a hard time ever thinking I was.

It all started when I was a kid and things came ever so slightly too easily for me. It made me think I could coast through life without trying and be successful. As we all know, that is not how the real world works. When I started homeschooling I came to a standstill, and something that should have taken me a year or two tops took three or four. Only finishing because I felt bad about how much money my mom had spent to have me homeschool.

When I started homeschooling I got a part time job. This job gave me close to six hundred dollars a month. For fifteen year old me that was a king’s wealth. So on my off days and weekends I would take my car to the city and goof off. I did nothing productive with my life. Like learning a trade or useful skill. I thought I could coast, that it would all work out. Things come easy to me, remember. I was so incredibly wrong.

I’ve moved away from my parents’ house twice. Coming back both times because I couldn’t handle life. I always had excuses for moving home the first time. Looking back on it now with fresh eyes I can see that it was my failure to cope with life. The second time I moved home, I knew exactly what was happening.

I struggle to know when I’m being terrible to myself because of my brain’s chemical imbalances and when I am just terrible at life naturally. This is because my brain is almost constantly telling me that I am a worthless waste of space that shouldn’t exist. Now I know that everyone gets this way sometimes. So I thought it was completely normal. It turns out that it should be a brief passing thought. Not a pervasive idea that shapes everything in your world view. This type of thought pattern also often leads to anxiety, which I also thought was completely normal. Turns out, not the case. (If you get bored and want to read about major depressive disorder go

here!

)

I don’t want to use it as a crutch though. I have traits that don’t work. I am quite lazy. I give up incredibly fast. I bore easily. I can be judgmental and rude. These are things that most people find ways to work through. I to date have none of them handled. They are worsened by my brain’s self loathing. Most days I set up one task for me to do. Do laundry. Wash dishes. Clean bathroom. Mail a letter. Buy groceries. These are things that most of the world accomplishes in one day easily. They seem like giant mountains to me. Often, even though it’s just one simple task, I fail to do anything. Encased in sloth-like anxiety and self doubt.

I live in the sentence “what’s the point.” When everything looks like a cliff face shearing off into a black pit of nothingness, then having fresh clothes or washed dishes seems, well, pointless. So most of my days I spend distracting myself. Reading, listening, and watching myself into a coma. This is the only time that my brain settles down for a bit. It stays quiet from the relentless beat down.

So when the only time you feel slightly ok is when you are consuming content, you fall into a routine. My daily tasks get ignored. Work feels like an endless drag that can only be fixed by getting home and not thinking any more. I am self medicating myself by ignoring my problems. I am wasting my life in this process. No marriageable woman would ever look at me and see a provider or a useful companion. I don’t blame them. That last bit is just a dig at myself. Ignore it. Back to the point at hand.

I am a failure.

cool.